Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
