You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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