Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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