The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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