she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
