My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
