I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
