I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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