I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
that may or may not have been my penis.
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