its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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