You're completely useless in the revolution.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
