I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
