You smell like a Billy Joel song
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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