Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
