O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
