I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
