we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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