Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
