Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
