At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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