Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
