Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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