Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we're making bets on your personal life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
