Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
