did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
