Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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