my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
