take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
