absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
