What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Girls should come with a carfax report
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
