My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
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We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
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Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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