I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I could make wine with my vomit
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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