Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
