Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
