i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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