I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize