I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
how does that bad decision feel?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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