he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i drank out of a bidet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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