there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
