The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
