I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
