So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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