im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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