I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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