If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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