Soap is not a condiment
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
