i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
