I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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