I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
