"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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