Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if only i could text you this smell
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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