I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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