we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
