sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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