I didn't shave. On purpose
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
