Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
