When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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