When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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