A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
