you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
