I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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