Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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