Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
